Harry Potter and the Power of the Octagon
by kiernanalexm
Summary: Could the power the Dark Lord Know's not be muggle mixed martial arts? Realistically, no... But where is the fun in that? How will a Harry raised by a UFC champion (timeline conflict over ruled by awesomeness) handle a squad of Death Eaters? It won't be that hard; he fights like a whirlwind. PARODY.


Disclaimer: Nothing cute. Harry Potter, and the world he inhabits are the property of J.K. Rowlings, and I make no profit from writing this.

AN: This idea would not leave me alone, no matter how stupid it is.

Harry Potter and the Power of the Octagon

The snap and hiss of offensive spells brought Harry halfway back to consciousness, but it was the coppery taste of blood in his mouth and the sharp rock digging into his back that truly roused him. It was cold, and dark, and for a few fuzzy moments, Harry glanced about, struggling to remember where he was, and what he was doing here. He was in a castle, but not Hogwarts. That much was deduced by the stone walls and the large, unfamiliar hall he found himself laid out in.

Voices from somewhere above and behind him interrupted his stationary investigation.

"Is he dead?" The first voice questioned.

That was Mulciber, one of Voldemort's Death Eaters, and with that piece of information, Harry's mind unclouded and he remembered where he was. Azkaban.

He had been leading an assault team of partially trained wizard children against a stronghold full of fully trained wizard adults. It had been going relatively well. However, in the chaos, Harry had found himself separated from the other member of the DA, and then corned by no less then seven Death Eaters. A brief furious battle of spells followed before Harry was struck by a bludgeoning hex. The impact had knocked him off a balcony. His fall had been slowed somewhat by his robes catching on the tip of a stone sword, wielded by a statue, but his head had smacked the stone floor when he landed, which must have been the cause of his blackout.

Judging by the Death Eater speaking above him, he had only been unconscious for a few moments.

"How the hell should I know?" Another voice answered the first in a testy manner. "It's too dark to see down there."

"I'm bloody well not going down there to look!" Mulciber again. "Did you see what he did to Nott?"

Down below, Harry felt a grim smile of satisfaction forming on his face as he picked himself up off the floor. During the scuffle above, the Death Eater Nott had made the terrible mistake of getting with in hand-to-hand striking range of Harry James Potter. What followed was an abrupt and lethal lesson in why you never fucking do that.

A blurring whirlwind of punches and kicks ending in a palm thrust that drove the man's nose into his brain caused a momentary halt in the battle as the other Death Eaters stared in horror. It had been Bellatrix Lestrange who recovered first, casting the bludgeoning hex that had knocked him from the balcony.

"We wouldn't be in this situation in the first place if _she,_ had used the killing curse…" a voice Harry didn't recognize accused, followed by a chorus of groans.

"This again?"

"Can't you give it a rest?"

"We don't want to hear it, Riley."

"What?" Riley again, defensive but not backing down. "I know I'm new, and all, but it makes no sense to me. I mean, it's not like we're squeamish…"

"We're certainly not." Bellatrix interrupted, then continued in a sing-song voice. "Every one of us is a black hearted, cold blooded, ruthless killer. Take a moment to appreciate that before you offer anymore constructive criticism, hmmmm?"

Down below, Harry was only half listening. His hands grasped around on the floor searching for his wand… all to no avail. There was nothing else for it.

Squaring his shoulders and clearing his mind, Harry prepared himself mentally. He had trained for this… All his life really. As a young boy, his adopted father had trained him rigorously in in mixed martial arts. UFC Welter weight Champion Hananeel Lai was his father. Muay Thai, jiu jitsu, and krav maga were his mother. He was ready for this.

As he stealthily began climbing a set of steps leading up to the balcony, Harry tuned back into the Death Eater conversation.

"I'm just saying," Riley was more subdued but still persistent. "It kills anything it touches, it can't be blocked, and all it takes as far as wand movement is a stabby motion and wanting the person dead badly enough, which is usually not a problem for us. So why do we even use other curses?"

"No respect for the art of dueling." Mulciber declared. "Or in the experience of those of us who have been in this game a lot longer than you, boy."

"Potter is for the dark lord to deal with. He would be wroth if we killed him." Bellatrix spoke flatly.

Riley was indignant. "So flinging him off a balcony is alright then? Don't just blow me off! I'm sincerely trying to understand this…"

What ever he had been about to say was cut short as he caught sight of Harry appearing out of the shadows behind Mulciber.

"Shit!" he cried, eyes wide, fumbling for his wand. By the time he had it in his hand, Harry had already snapped Mulciber neck and was upon the next Death Eater.

Harry was all fluid in his movements, like water, except kicking way more ass than your average bottle of Aquafina. One Death Eater went down with a gurgle as the ridge of Harry's foot crunched in his windpipe. Another clutched his face, covering his bleeding eye sockets after Harry gouged out his eyes. Harry was a whirlwind of malice.

The remaining Death Eaters had recovered from their shock, however, and now began flinging curses in Harry's direction.

"Confringo! Crucio! Diffindo! Expulso!" Bellatrix spat, moving her wand masterfully in complex motions.

"Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra" shrieked Riley, stabbing his wand over and over. "Avada Kedavra!"

Harry dodged, dived, and rolled under it all. When one of his rolls, carried him to the feet of Bellatrix Lestrange, he suddenly sprang up, extending his foot up into Bellatrix's chin. Then he wrapped his legs around her wand arm and neck and choked her out in a triangle choke. Harry continued is total beat down of the terrified Death Eaters, dodging spells gracefully in a dance. Don't picture twerking, though, think more like break dancing with lots of punches and kicks. The Death Eater's had never seen anything like it, and were totally unprepared for the whirlwind of punches and strikes Harry brought them down with.

"Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra!"

Harry side stepped coolly to avoid the two blasts of green curse light, reached up and grabbed a hold of Riley's wand in his left hand and snapped it.

Riley's eyes widened in shock, rage, and fear. "You absolute prick!"

Harry wasn't done yet though, dropping the wand he held in his left hand, he clasped both hands behind Riley's neck and head butted him unconscious.

Harry looked up and found he had no more Death Eater's left to fight. He left them there, and went searching for Voldemort, not even bothering to hunt down his wand. He'd get it later. All he needed was a power that Voldemort "knew not" and wizards clearly hadn't the slightest clue how to fight with anything except a wand.

The End

AN: I'm not sure why I wrote this. Hope you enjoyed it.


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